ipad ipod itouch IPAY

For years now Mom has been trying to play a really silly game with me. She picks up the phone and shoves it in my ears and says "Look Sparky, speak to Ganjoo, or say hello to Baba or some such thing" I can see its not Ganjoo , its not Baba, its just a darned THING which looks like a weapon to me.....but she keeps insisting till I have to literally LEAVE the room.

Now if thats not enough, she has been trying for the last few days to coax me towards her laptop and conducts several acrobatics with it in front of me, asking me to say HELLO to the screen. Each time the game has a different name- "come and say hello to Baba", "come and say hello to Ria", "look, look theres A dada", and so on. She waves the machine in front of me, some strange voices emanate from it and then she tries her coaxing.

As soon as she utters those words I have to rush to the door to see if Baba, Ria or A Dada have come.  And each time I return disappointed. This happens especially with people who go away with BAGS. Theres nobody at the door and she has a good laugh. Sigh. The things I have to put up with!!

I can hear their voices, but gimme a break guys, how can a flesh and blood human get inside a book with lights really beats me.

Apparently its this Facetime business on the Apple. I had heard that Apple is a fruit but this looks like a book with lights on it. They are getting mighty excited about this whole gizmo, and I really could give a damn.

Why should IPAY for their IPODS IPADS and other fruits? One day I am going to snap.

DOG HATERS

Hello again. Its been a stressful week. Not only have I had to endure TWO baths- [Ganjoo says its too hot and bathing will help my itching.] [I have a few pleasures in life and they want to take those away too.], but also the rising heat gets my digestion into a tizzy and I need a daily dose of Tulsi leaves to settle my tummy. Thanks to Mom [ moms know everything, really] who found me scouting for some greens in the balcony, and quickly figured that Tulsi would satisfy my need for greens as well as give me relief! so, that's one huge problem solved. Whenever I am nauseous, I just have to stand in front of her and give her the LOOKS and she knows what to do. I love her, that woman.


Anyway, why am I digressing? There is one other reason why the past few days were stressful. We have these HORRIBLE neighbours, [Mom says they are just tenants who don't even pay their rent regularly], who HATE DOGS. The old cow goes into hysterics every time she spots me and pretends to have a heart attack. She really should have one, that will give all the residents of this building some peace. And believe me I am an angel when I walk past her, no fuss nothing. I know when to look out for my family.


So, her son, [who is a drunkard I suspect] and she have begun to harass Mom and G every time we encounter them. We take great pains to avoid them, by going down the steps if they are at the lift, by changing our walk timings and so on, but by the laws of Murphy, we are bound to cross paths sometimes. They keep telling Mom to keep me out of sight, to stop me from barking [ ARE YOU READING THIS? keep a dog from barking!!] and to make sure I don't attack them. Mom keeps telling them what a sweetheart I am and how all the kids in the building LOVE me and that I would hurt a fly, but they are really rabid about this.


So, when Mom was away with her bags, that cow's son called the cops to the house and scared the hell out of Ria and G. Luckily Ganjoo was close by and he came and shouted the cops and the whole building down and the matter was solved. Mom had to go to the cop station when she came back with bags and assure them that I am harmless and always on a leash [ they don't know that I really prefer to stay indoors but  need to go out for my ablutions, and wouldn't want to step outside otherwise]. She also told them that by the same token, we don't like the cow and her son, so can we have them arrested? 


And in any case, are the cops supposed to come to peoples homes at 9.30pm at nights, and knowing the resident is a woman, shouldn't there be a lady cop accompanying them? Should they not carry a copy of the so-called complaint? And does this paranoia of dogs even merit a complaint?


I keep plotting all sorts of revenge on those two, if they should ever dare to enter my home- grrrr. bark. snap. jump. snarl. That should give her a heart attack immediately.

Taxing People

Mom was lecturing the other day. She does that a lot, with Ria my sister, with G my caretaker, and also the frightened people at the office. [ They are frightened of me, of course]

Anyway, so the lecture was all about the ridiculous double taxation on cars when they move from one state to the other within India. If she bought a car in, say Mumbai, and paid all the relevant taxes, then how come she has to pay again when she moves to, say Hyderabad? Isn't Hyderabad part of the same country, or do we need a visa to get here? She says she has to pay the tax here and that she will never get the refund back from the other place. Because the government is poor.

This actually happened to her. She came here in my favourite blue car and says she drove around courageously for several years. Smiled her way through is more like it, if you ask me! All this without paying the tax- as a matter of principle of course. Then one day someone told her she couldn't drive it anymore and she had to sell it. The person who bought it conned her by deducting the Tax Amount from the sale, and then , very cleverly, sent the car back to Mumbai!! So he pocketed the tax element, Mom got paid less, and my favourite blue went away.

Then Ganjoo got his car here. He is not as courageous as Mom, but to give him some credit, he also got caught on the very first day that he arrived here. That could scare any human off, I'd say. So his car languishes in the car park, gathering dust and other unmentionables, until he gets his Tax work done. Which is pretty much never, if I know ganjoo.

Then the pretty auntie with the 4 terrifying dogs got her car from far away. They did everything right- got the NOC's did the paperwork, and were shocked when told recently that the NOC has to be sent BACK for verification. [ those dogs are another piece of work, and will need another blog when I am sufficiently tranquilised!]

Now is that stupid or what? Whats the point of getting an NOC from a state, only to be sent back for verification to the same office. Who will verify this and who will check it, and when will they be satisfied that the NOC is verified?

Its too much for me to take in. I am glad I am a dog. All I ask for  with regard to cars is to be given PLENTY of time to sniff at the wheels. Frankly it doesn't matter if the car is blue or grey, has come from Mumbai or Calcutta, and if the tax is paid or not. That's for humans to worry. As long as I get my sniff time at the wheel, I'm cool.

Traffic Woes

I went for a drive yesterday. Its a double edged sword, this drive business- the roads are crowded with dogs of all kinds and nobody stops to give me a chance to say hello leave alone get a sniff, but the air conditioner gives me the tummy- rumbles and makes me lose my balance ever so often. 


The kids at traffic lights are the worst, they seem to think I am some kind of zoo exhibit, and try to tease me, tap on the glass just to see what my reaction is, and of course I oblige them. Whats life without a few barks and bullying pesky kids-huh?


Anyway, it seems that humans here have lost all sense of traffic codes- thats what Mom says. Cars don't keep to their lanes, and when there's slow moving traffic, all hell's loose. That means cars go the wrong way, climb out of their lanes and drive straight onto oncoming cars, hoping to make quick getaways out of the jam thats building up. She says thats why road dividers are being fixed even on flyovers! The 2-wheelers have a mind of their own, zig-zagging from left to right, trying to find that small gap to squeeze through, never mind if it scratches a new car. I know this cos our car got scratched by a 2-wheeler moron when Snookers was at the wheel.


I like Snookers, he lets loose if someone tries games with him, just like I do with the kids at the traffic stops. So we are alike, him and me, we stand up to our rights, birds of the same feathers you could say!


At cross roads where there are no traffic lights- Mom says they help in regulating traffic,( I don't agree. Its always a mess whether there are lights or no lights) there is a masked Uniform who tries in vain to direct the flow of vehicles. Its quite pointless, if you ask me, because nobody ever pays any attention to his wild gestures and frequent whistling. Scooters push through, no matter what, and oncoming vehicles get head to head. Its a circus, you should see, with me barking away in the back seat, Mom alternating between trying to quieten me and rolling down her window to see if she can solve the problem, and the Uniform whistling away !!! Once Mom got so mad, she got off the car, and shouted at many people, gestured wildly at others, and somehow in a few minutes managed to clear the traffic. I was beside myself with excitement and pride.

She should have been a Uniform, my Mom.

Its a dogs life

Well, thats a huge accomplishment. I've finally managed to get Mom to get off her butt and post my vichaar. I've been after her to do so for the longest time and have pointed out that my memory isnt as good as it used to be, so the profound thoughts that zip across my mind must be captured 'toute suite' or else they will get lost in translation.

So, during these Ides of March she has finally agreed.

Before I forget let me give you an introduction. I am a strapping, though neutered male, living with Mom, my sister, and my caretaker [ who thankfully has returned from  one of her frequent vacations!] I hate it when humans pick up stuffed bags and go away without telling me their plans. My extended family is my ganjoo uncle who used to live with me before we came here in a car, Baba and Ai, and Oh, Lord must she be mentioned here?? that pesky little 4 legged upstart who inhabits their home.

I love my Ganjoo but he has given in to the not-so-subtle ways of that upstart. She is completely shameless and does unmentionable stuff like sitting on the coffee table which is usually meant for flower pots and vases, and has the audacity to come right upto me and try to entice me with her wags and swishes. I have to use the SNEEZE routine everytime she approaches, that and my mean expression is enough to ward her off, of course, but she is a real pain in the ass.

Ok, now I gotta go and see who is outside.